America’s playground, Central Oregon, is a wonderland for extreme sports. These sports, however, come at a cost. That cost is the lives of young men and women, who otherwise would have landed that trick.

If only they would have survived, we could have watched them land that really sick trick and used the footage.

🤖🤖🤖🤖👨 (80% AI writing.)

Authorities have identified a deceased 29-year-old extreme sports enthusiast and Portland native Andrew Rogers, who was just about to land a sick big air 360 on his surfboard before he hit some kind of tree, or something. (Some eyewitnesses claim it was a tree, others say it was a house.)

“I saw him coming right at me,” said eyewitness Steve Johnson. “I mean, I was just hanging out, having a beer and reading the paper. Then suddenly this dude comes flying at me like a rocket, and he totally wiped out. I’m guessing he was going about 60 miles per hour on that little surfboard. He must have been trying to land a 360 air reverse down the double black diamond run, or something.”

Johnson reported that once Rogers hit the ground, he immediately lay motionless while his board flew through the air and hit a house.

“He must have been trying to do something really cool on that little surfboard,” Johnson added. “Because he was going so fast.”

“I knew him,” said close friend and fellow extreme sports enthusiast Kevin Hays. “I’ve known him since high school. I’m so bummed out. We used to skateboard together. He was good at everything. And now he’s dead.” Hays added that he and Rogers had been planning a road trip to go snowboarding, skateboarding, surfing and rock climbing.

“He was so stoked to go snowboarding,” said Hays, who has over 500 extreme sports videos on his iPhone. Hays said he was just about to land a sick 180 Ollie off a 20-foot kicker, and then he hit a tree.

“Like no one cares that I just landed a hard flip on the Great Wall of China, and then fell off the wall onto a bunch of rocks,” said Hays. “I broke my collarbone and my femur. I almost died. I wish the state of Oregon would do something about it.”

Oregon’s governor Kate Brown has announced that flags at the state capitol will fly at half-staff, in honor of Rogers. “This is a difficult time for Oregonians,” said Gov. Brown. “We’ve lost another young man to one of our great state’s most prominent pastimes. We pray that his family and friends will find comfort, and also that they can go to an extreme sports festival and remember him fondly.”

Brown added that she was “just about to land a sick double layout spin off the high dive when I got a call that this happened.”

Friends and family of Rogers have scheduled a memorial service for next Friday. In lieu of flowers, they ask that donations be made to the Oregon State Hospital, where Rogers was admitted for an extreme sports related injury in 2012.

Some activities that occur in central Oregon, are illegal in the rest of the state. Lawmakers said this is to prevent deaths, and to light a fire under your ass, to get you to do some flip-in, flip-out shit. But we all know they’re just jealous that they never learned these tricks.

The prohibited include doing a “fakie Tre down nine”, front salad, back salad, front blunt. Even just telling your buddies, “No warm up. First try, b*tch” is illegal in most counties, unless you land the trick of course.

As an addendum, lawmakers said “You got like five enders in your part but you don’t got an ender-ender and until you do, no one is going to take you seriously.” This was in reference to punks who don’t have the best ending footage for their skate video. This may be because they died during the filming of it.

RIP Rogers knowing that you brought light to this issue.

🤖🤖🤖🤖👨

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Thanks for reading!

Take care, … and if you can’t take care, take cash or a used deck that still has pop.

– Shane

• America's 99 Problems

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